Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one