Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Banana is the quietest snack

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today