A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
sensitive skin
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!