A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.