a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Dietest Coke
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.