Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

My what?

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.