Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no