Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which