A dead goose is called a ghoost
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.