A dead goose is called a ghoost
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…