A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection