A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.