A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson鈥檚 nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
People are waiting for flying cars and I鈥檓 just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
it鈥檚 highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let鈥檚 focus on finding your kid
If a snake ate a cake
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can鈥檛 find anything.
Bed should get ready for ME
When you stop looking for it is when you鈥檒l find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn鈥檛 enjoy his job, officer.