Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

God tier horse name today on the sims

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

😲 WTF? 😆

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

There is no “ea” in Tim.