Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

I want what they have

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

*watches the world burn*

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific