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Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.