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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.