A decision was made here.
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates