Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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I’m not sure if I should be impressed that my cat has learnt to turn on my computer or worried that he’s been using it to email my lawyer about my will.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Guy: Only God can judge me.
God: Actually I made judges, too. It’s called subcontracting, look it up.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.
Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead