@SpencerNeumann

a decision was made here

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@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler just shouted “I didn’t do it!” so now I get to have fun figuring out what exactly she didn’t do

@AlmightyBored

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

@JohnLyonTweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

@bobvulfov

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

@NewDadNotes

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

@ManJuggs

Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.

@DurtMcHurtt

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq