[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?