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My toddler just shouted “I didn’t do it!” so now I get to have fun figuring out what exactly she didn’t do


Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.


Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.


BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]


[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.


Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.


Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.


Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.


17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq