@SpencerNeumann

a decision was made here

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@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

@wildethingy

I’m not sure if I should be impressed that my cat has learnt to turn on my computer or worried that he’s been using it to email my lawyer about my will.

@solsayswhaaa

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

@murrman5

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

@ABurgerADay

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

@UnFitz

Guy: Only God can judge me.

God: Actually I made judges, too. It’s called subcontracting, look it up.

@mommajessiec

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead