@SpencerNeumann

a decision was made here

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@scrappy_momma

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

@pilau

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.

@SaulKewl

honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@SkippyMcGizzard

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

@GingerHotDish

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

@funnybeachgirl

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.