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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored