A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
How to properly lift a body
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.