A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
You Might Also Like
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
i want to work in this restaurant
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
