Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one