A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”