Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.