Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”