…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.