a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
as is their right
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah