Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

getting seasonal up in here

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”