a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients