a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
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*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work