a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Good news
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.