a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”