a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!