a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
🤣🤣🤣
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.