a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Morning my dudes.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*