a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
could’ve been anyone
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME