a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
thinking about a very short hotdog
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I have so many questions.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery