Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.