a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Why do meteors always land in craters?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.