Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

smh

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.