Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

😂

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”