A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
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boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Monday
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.