Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?