A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble