A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*