A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.