Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.