a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
What happened to the other hiker??!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
