a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
had to share :’)
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Needless to say…*
*mic drop