Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands