A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)