A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
