A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
accurate
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
