A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
HOW DARE YOU
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.