A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
A wise man once said nothing.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
waiting for halloween be like:
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”