A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
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People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.