A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.