A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people