Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning