A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.