A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.