A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
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me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Perfect
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.