A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
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Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Meow
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
