A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.