Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Wise advice

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

(by @ZachWeiner )

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.