I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’ve been learning to cook.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜