A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Goodnight 🐶
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so