A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs