A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion