A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?