A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
This one’s “Alex”.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.