A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”