A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.