A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
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out-housing market appears to be strong
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Body by Oreos
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.