A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Warm pools make me nervous.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Put a ring on it
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers