A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*