Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.